I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
