this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
