if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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