you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
