I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Be still, my beating vagina.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
