somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
