Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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