Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
