I'm gonna have a badass scar
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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