chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
do nipples grow back?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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