I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
We had to coat check the pizza.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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