We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize