Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize