I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize