coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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