My hand turned me down
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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