turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
