Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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