Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
