I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
