I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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