the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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