I faked an abortion last night.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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