im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
