I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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