Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
