Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
