guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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