you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
