I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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