Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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