i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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