cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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