I accidentally had phone sex last night
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
