I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
