Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
