matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
