Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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