I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
