You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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