I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
