never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
