when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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