the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
