he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
love makes seman taste better
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
