I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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