A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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