i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
