Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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