why didn't you poke me back
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize