Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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