so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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