i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
