I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
