i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
