Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So here I am, sexting at work.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
