did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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