I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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