I accidentally had phone sex last night
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
