that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
